I’ve always thought there was meant to be something more for me. A big life; one that’s filled with adventure and opportunity. An existence that expanded beyond the mundanity which characterises the lives for so many of the people around me.
Yet, my reality falls impossibly short of the one I dream about. And terrifyingly, I realise that with every passing year the chances of living an unfulfilled life increase.
It may sound dramatic, but there is a felt sense of urgency to carve out a life I can be thrilled by. With both my age and responsibilities increasing and opportunities and the time available to exploit them naturally decreasing; I know I must take action or risk living a mediocre life.
In many ways, it’s that fear which is the most powerful driving force – made all the more poignant in the aftermath of several deaths in my family and wider circle.
In the last few years, drug overdoses killed two cousins (both who were in their 30’s), smoking related diseases took two aunties and an ex-neighbour, a 33 year old female, took her own life. Despite the fact that the journeys which led them to their final days differ vastly, their lives had a common thread as far as I can tell; each of them died without realising their fullest potential. From a champion swimmer turned drug dealer and addict, to a university lecturer turned recluse, to a mum of 8 who was raised in care and couldn’t kick the smoking habit and in a tragic turn of events her youngest daughter lost her life to heroin a few months later, in the year she would’ve turned 40.
That was the one chance each of them had to live and yet they died not knowing what a fulfilled life could be.
There isn’t anything particularly special about me, or my story; I don’t have a formal education, or a talent worth shouting about. My saving grace might just be in the form of a stubborn inner-voice, one which got me into all sorts of trouble as a child, who refuses to succumb to a life un-lived, or to die without knowing what it feels like to at least try.
It's a deep knowing that the type of life I want is possible for me.
“Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life
because you become what you believe.”
Oprah
So, herein I’m making a promise to continue to dream boldly, and to forge forward towards realising those dreams; starting with taking stock of what I want, what I don’t want, how far I've come, where I am now and how I plan to move forward.
What does a dream life look like to me?
A dream life is a concept that almost transcends my limits of language. In the simplest way; it’s a life that has been lived at full capacity. One that is achieved when people turn little inklings and what ifs into things.
Such as the actor who got the big break, the writer who became a bestseller, the entrepreneur who hit their first million, and the athlete who set new records; it’s the growth, grit and determination that was required for them to get there. It’s in the mastery of a skill.
It’s the pursuit of a goal.
And beyond the obvious examples, there are the people quietly going about their everyday lives, fulfilled and rich in more ways than money. Think of the mother who creates such warmth in her home environment that her children visit often and voluntarily throughout their lives. Or the ineffable love shared between a committed couple; their relationship filled with childlike laughter and mutual respect even after many decades together.
It’s magic.
It’s enthusiasm and joy.
It’s revelling in the successes of others.
I believe it can be achieved by aiming towards the things you want, the things that call to you.
Brené Brown calls it stepping into the arena. [1]
Maslow considers it self-actualising. [2]
Remembering how far I’ve come and identifying where I am now.
Sometimes I become overwhelmed with the distance between where I’d like to be and where I am now.
It’s easier than ever these days to get caught in comparison cycles by doom scrolling and the like; watching on as others seemingly have it all figured out.
However, I recognise the importance of remembering my individual journey and acknowledging how far I’ve come.
Towards the end of my last job role, I would spend my lunch hour sprawled on the toilet floor – it was a vacant and unused room on the top floor of the recently refurbished office block – my head propped up with a cardigan or my handbag, crying inconsolably. Something internally had been telling me for many years that I needed more, which was in part why I’d moved to London but by the time I left, I still had more questions than answers.
I didn’t know where to go, what to do, or who I could be; I did know though that I had to leave; put an end to working for someone else, in low paid, soul-sucking jobs. And so that’s what I did. (I ran away to Thailand on a 1 way ticket, but that’s a story for another time.)
Life has changed significantly for me since then, in the space of 5 years I have travelled extensively, set up a couple of online businesses, and had two children. I also returned to my hometown (a change which has come with the most resistance and one that doesn’t fit.)
I’ve learned that aiming towards the most high is difficult. It requires a reevaluation of current circumstances and making changes that support the vision of an ideal future.
That involves in many cases moving on from friendships that don’t serve you, putting up boundaries, carving out connections with more like-minded individuals and learning to embody a higher sense of self.
It’s lonely.
In pursuing entrepreneurship, whilst raising two small kids, I spent a lot of time in my head.
Chris Williamson describes it as the lonely chapter, or the messy middle. In his interview with Steven Bartlett, he says:
“There is a period in everybody's journey where they are so different because they've started to do new things that they no longer fit in with the old set of friends. But they're not sufficiently developed that they've gained a new set of friends. You're stuck in this messy middle, where you haven't yet worked out who you are on the other side of this.” [3]
That’s where I am now; in the lonely chapter, working out who I can be on the other side of this.
What am I doing to work towards my dreams?
I know that in order to reach a desired outcome, changes have to be made and work has to be done.
A dream life is a meaningless concept if it’s not backed by the will and the work necessary to bring it into fruition.
Over the last few years, since I became freed up from working for someone else, I have been on a quest to learn, develop, grow and seek out the next nugget of wisdom that can help assist me in getting closer to my goals.
A quick scroll of my YouTube history is telling; mostly podcast interviews with people who are doing things in the world. They are voices I turn to in order to foster belief and I become elevated by the thought of what is possible when I listen to conversations that spark my imagination. It wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that having access to this form of media has been my lifeline for me.
In fact, some of the ideas I’ve been exposed to have been profound enough to carry me through an entire week on some occasions. It has helped me learn how to define what it is that I want.
The next step is about continuing to do the work.
In part that’s what the exploration of Substack is about. That’s what the running of an online business is. That’s what learning to be a mother is. All endeavours that lead me towards the highest version of self.
It’s an ongoing journey to figure out what I do really well, that I will do, that can offer both financial freedom and a sense of accomplishment. I need to balance that with the responsibilities that come hand in hand with being a mother and being a longterm relationship.
I invite you in reading this to evaluate your own circumstances. Here is a good place to start:
What does your dream life look like? And what are you doing to make it a reality?
Until next week.
References:
[1] Brené Brown Reads “Man In The Arena” Poem
[2] https://positivepsychology.com/motivation-theories-psychology/#:~:text=1
We've come sooooo far, that's true. We need to remind ourselves every single day.
I'm definetly in the self-actualising stage of my life. I'm stepping into the arena: parenting, family, marriage, job, side hustle.
Wonderful post for all moms out there!
I love the courage and determination that comes through in your post ❤️. Totally agree that it's so important to look back at how far we've come already too. The key for me is taking small steps every day towards the life I want to live. It's the only way I've found that works and that fits into the chaos of motherhood too! X