Calling for Balanced Portrayals of Motherhood
We hear plenty about the hard, do we need to share more of the great parts too?
In a recent note, Emma Del Rey invited mothers to share about motherhood in a way that challenges the prevailing stereotype, which connects the identity of a mother to perpetual exhaustion. She wrote:
The note piqued my interest immediately as I’ve too noticed stories disproportionately focusing on negative aspects of motherhood, especially in the online space.
Charlotte commented how she’s noticed a narrative shift; from idealising motherhood to going too far the other way. She makes an important observation. Though the over-idealised depiction of family life is far from reality for many of us, so too is the “your life is now over” narrative we see so often.
Motherhood is not one-dimensional and so nor should the stories we share about it be.
Commenters on Emma’s note share insightful anecdotes, which offer some much needed texture to the complex and identity-altering journey many of us mothers go through:
Anna says:
“Motherhood has revealed more strengths and softened flaws.”
Lauren says:
“It’s an honor to steward little souls into the world, and I feel simultaneously humbled and empowered by the responsibility
Ali says:
“I find that the best way for me to inhabit my identity as a mother is to get comfortable with the ambiguities.”
4 years into my own motherhood journey, I’m finding it to be a much more multi-dimensional experience than i’d expected; harder in ways and more enriching in others; offering opportunities that simply weren’t available to me pre-children.
My expectations versus my reality of motherhood
Before becoming a mother myself, I perceived it as a sort of life-ending decision; perceptions which I suspect were largely shaped by the Western, youth-oriented culture I grew up in. I was heavily influenced by portrayals of mothers in media and pop culture; and the ones which stuck for me were the self-sacrificing, nurturing figures and the overbearing, controlling ones. These depictions were unfortunately often reinforced in my wider family circle too.
For a while on my motherhood journey, I felt a sense of loss. As though I’d become of lesser value in wider society; finding it difficult to extract my true feelings from my conditioning. There have been times it has been so confusing, I’ve questioned my own sanity.
The more difficult parts of my motherhood experience come from little support and lack of resources – which is, in part, due to my lack of foresight early in my adulthood (i.e. not considering or planning towards a future with kids in mind) – rather than because of the duties bestowed upon me as mum.
Motherhood doesn’t offer immediate gratification; the heavy lifting is done in advance without any real feedback, for a very long time. That can generate some conflicting feelings. It’s so meaningful, yet so labour intensive. I’ve never worked as hard at anything in my life, or been more challenged, but as a consequence it’s provided me with an opportunity to step into potential and capabilities I didn’t know I had.
I’ve learned that hard doesn’t necessarily equal bad. And I feel it’s incumbent upon me to emphasise that. Motherhood comes with many challenges, but overcoming them builds character.
I’m more resilient, less willing to compromise my values, more passionate about setting standards for my children and more invested in making choices today that serve versions of me throughout time. I have a sense of duty for my life that wasn’t there prior, which puts more significance on the choices I make, and encourages me to make better ones.
Yes, the whole journey from conception to rearing children can be terrifying and demanding, but that’s not all it is. Becoming a mother offers opportunities for growth, fulfilment and connection that are unique to the motherhood journey. It’s also deeply rewarding. Seeing a child grow and develop, witnessing their triumphs and supporting them through difficulties; it’s a type of satisfaction that’s hard to measure. I feel honoured to experience such moments.
I can’t yet accurately articulate the loving and primal connection I have with my sons, but I do know it’s one I wish for everyone to have.
Bringing balance to motherhood portrayals
I’m thankful to women who share so candidly about all aspects of motherhood. I’ve taken immeasurable amounts of comfort from stories that don’t shy away from the dark and gritty aspects of mothering. I just don’t want those to prevail over the many beautiful stories.
I think it’s important for women to share about their motherhood experiences with balance and context because a well-rounded narrative could serve to positively influence a woman’s decision to become a mother. By failing to offer nuance, we risk misleading women, who may then go on to miss out on an experience that most of us mums are so glad we get to have. And that seems a tad selfish.
I’m encouraged to see there are increasingly more individuals offering refreshing perspectives on parenting that we don’t get to hear very often – ideas I wish I’d been exposed to as a young adult. One such voice is Louise Perry who is currently writing The Case For Having Kids. I can’t wait to read it.
I am so grateful to be a mother, despite the challenges and the hard stuff. And I’d encourage anyone to do it, if they have even the slightest desire to do so.
I invite you to take a moment to think about the good in your motherhood journey. What are the parts you couldn’t imagine missing out on? Consider sharing in the comments if it feels right to do so.
Until next week.
This is so true Natasha I think that’s why I’m finding Substack to be the perfect home for this conversation as there is room in longer pieces for nuance and dimension more so than the short captions on instagram. Community comments offer a fuller perspective as well, which is so important. I love how many mothers have made me really think about and value this experience, as well as have a good old moan!
Thank you for this beautiful reflection about your identity as a mother. There are so many aspects of my motherhood journey that bring me joy, fulfilment, the sense of purpose that it is hard to pick just a few to share! But, from the top of my head, I am thankful to my children for grounding me perfectly in a moment, appreciating the beauty and simplicity in life - observing a ladybird, watching birds, splashing in water. They exist only in the here and now, and that is very therapeutic for me (I'm too much of a worrier and a planner!). Since I have them, I look at the world differently - it has more colour, more amazement, more 'wow' moments ❤️